You Know Nothing

Although I am not Jon Snow, I know nothing. Sure, there are plenty of things that I do know but there is so much more that I do not. I ponder this a lot, all the things I do not know, and it drives me royally crazy. I think about how I will never understand why other people do the things they do, or why I still haven’t figured out how to be a financial success, or how I do not know how to be super mom or why I haven’t figured out the secret to the universe.

I wonder why holding on to a childlike spark and imagination is so hard, why people just give up on each other, why our world seems caught up in a corporate rat race. I think about how much I would like to move somewhere new and fresh and then immediately get scared about change.  I think about inventing something, what I do not know.  I think about owning my own business and being my own boss but again, I do not know what that would be.  I think about how sad I feel that my family is broken and how much I wish it weren’t, but I do not know how to fix it.

I think about whether I am a good enough mother, if my habits are too much, if I am doing the right thing.  I think and think and think and then doubt and doubt and doubt. I dig myself into a little hole and I sit there, sometimes for a little while, sometimes for days.

Today is one of those days, that I am pulling myself out of my little hole because I have overstayed my welcome there.  And now I am thinking, what do I know?

I know I am the kind of mom I am supposed to be.  I know I can and will strive to be a better mom, but I am not failing. I know that I must accept that not everyone needs to be understood and some people do not want to be.  I know that I will find my financial success and that it will be in something that fulfills me.

I know I am not going to learn the secret of the universe by sitting around wondering what it is, I just have to find it.  I am starting to think that there really is no secret, that maybe the secret is just to do what makes you happy and treat others well and things will come together. So for me, that means getting back into helping others and using my charisma to do good and be a light.  If Rocky Horror Picture Show taught me anything, it was “Don’t Dream It, Be It.”

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